Logline blogfest is hosted by: Steena @ Chocolate Reality
A logline is a one or two sentence summary of your story (the short blurb in TV guides that tells you what the plot is about to help you decide if you're interested in seeing it). It's the hook that grabs your interest.
'A logline must convey the action of the story with carefully chosen words to give the the conflict momentum'.
I definitely love the premise! This is pretty good as is, but maybe you could tighten a bit. I actually would remove the "who are desperate for children" bit because it really doesn't fit with the tension in the rest. Maybe something like this?ReplyDelete
"Tom and his wife Kristal are accosted by a little girl in a bookshop who identifies Tom as her father. When the girl's mother adds to the confusion, Tom must clear his name before his marriage is torn apart." or something like it. Overall it's good, though!
I like it - and like what Jamie said. For this blogfest, you can do it in 2 sentences (it's what Miss Snarks First Victim said we could do) so I'd divide it up so it's not a mouthful.ReplyDelete
I don't think you need 'his wife'. What about 'desperate for a child of their own'?
I have to agree with both Jamie and Steena.ReplyDelete
Two sentences would have more impact.
Thanks Jamie, Steena and Michael. Yes I did initially write it in 2 sentences and then thought I oughta change it. I agree with Steena that deperate for a child should stay in, though :O)ReplyDelete
Sounds great - I'd pick it up and read it :o)ReplyDelete
I'm off to practise summarising mine now!
Hey Madeline, woot, glad you're taking part!!! This sounds like a really intriguing story. I have some thoughts - grain of salt and all that ;)ReplyDelete
What about "When childless couple Tom and Kristal are accosted in a bookstore by a little girl who claims Tom is her father, Tom must clear his name before his marriage is torn apart. The only trouble is, the little girl's [crazy] mother seems determined to [throw a spanner in the works/break up Tom's marriage/send Tom insane???].
I agree with leaving in the reference to them wanting children, but I thought "childless" might do the same job in a tighter way. I'm not sure of your exact plotline, but I thought it might be good to paint the mother as the obstacle - if she really is, of course :)
Hope this helps, can't wait to see what you do with it :)
It's great that you are thinking ahead about the story, it's exciting because my ending will therefore surprise you. :O)
Tee hee. I guess my comments give you an idea of how I assumed the story might go. A suggestion, if you've got a super-duper twist, see if you can foreshadow it a little, just so that whoever reads/judges your logline doesn't assume the story is predictable :)ReplyDelete
Hi Madeleine. Thanks for checking out my line. I like what Rach did, here. I, too, agree that two sentences makes it clearer. Nice premise.ReplyDelete
#2 is definitely better, and I like Rach's comments as well :-)ReplyDelete
Thanks for comment on my logline. I also have an award for you at my blog. Please stop by to claim it. I really wanted you to have it.
I like it. And Rachael's suggestion is great too.ReplyDelete
Thanks for your feedback. I have attempted 'Take #4' without giving away the twist and without the suggestion of a cliched Fatal Attraction style scenario ;O)ReplyDelete
I like your premise. Nice mystery. I like two sentences and I liked the wording better in number 4. I thought it was more specific concerning the girl's mother.ReplyDelete
Loglines - what a great concept!ReplyDelete
I agree with the above comments - two lines are better than one. I'm certainly intrigued by the mysterious girl.
Great premise and you've got a lot of hard work in this. Way to go! I would tell you the first question that comes to my mind is who is your MC? I would guess that it would be Tom's wife, Kristal, but from the logline it looks like Tom. Consider how much emotion would be building in the wife with this encounter and convey that in the logline. Because that should be where the action is.ReplyDelete
Best of luck, Madeleine. It's great to "meet" you!
Great premise! I do agree you can make it a bit more enticing. What's at stake? Why does Tom have to clear his name? If it's 'just' to save his marriage, then that's fine of course, but I get the feeling there's more going on :)ReplyDelete
Thanks Laura & Ellie. Glad you like the latest version.ReplyDelete
Yes Jackee, actually I have started writing this today as a short story and my MC is Kristal, you are absolutely right! Thanks for following.
Yes Marieke there is a little more to this than meets the eye. It is hard not to put too much information in the logline, as one doesn't want to give the game away. I have been researching loglines on the Internet and they just give the minimum information to hook the reader/viewers in. :O)
Well damn! That's honestly FAN-freakin-TASTIC! I wanna read it, do you post excerpts????ReplyDelete
Hey again Madeleine, version 4 woot! Can I just point out though (*chortles*) if Tom is the girl's father, of course the mother would recognize him (*snickers*). I wonder, is there any way to say what the girl's mother is thinking/getting up to without talking about her recognizing him??? (*runs to take her mind out of the gutter*)ReplyDelete
Are you doing version 5 from the wife's POV? Can't wait to see :)
Ooh, sounds great. I'm off now to try and write a logline for mine! :-)ReplyDelete
Well thanks Erica, I will have a think about that. It's still very much in the composing stage at the mo'.ReplyDelete
Thanks Rachael, out today, Maybe will do Take#5 later.
Amanda, ooh look forward to that. :O)
I also have Raynaud's and I've never met anyone else with it outside my family. I drink a lot of hot tea while I write!
Coming in a little late but will add my 2 cents. If story is from wife's POV, I would make the logline reflect that. It isn't actually Tom who has to clear his name then, the wife needs an active goal with stakes (saving her marriage). Also, I'm confused about the conflict. Something to do with the mother of the little girl, but what? What makes her provide the conflict for the wife? And while describing them as childless or desperate for a child adds tension, you haven't told us why that's important to the plot.
I know you're trying not to give too much away, but you can be intriguing while still answering the basic questions.
Good luck with Take 5 (I think I'm on at least that #)!
Hi Vicki. Yes I realise it is from Kristal's POV.ReplyDelete
I guess it's a case of being unable to have kids and finding out her husband may have fathered a child, while you were married to him without your knowledge. IVF treatments are raging hormones and anger at not being able to conceive normally all conflicts :O)
I'm smiling too. Very curious and wonder how this is going to work out!ReplyDelete
First: Time was short. I DID NOT READ the comments. The name Tom isn't needed and pulled me out of the premise. Make the identification of the father more active.. "little girl calls her husband daddy and the mother knows him... etc.
...childre of her own.
I really liked reading the evolution of your logline (and I was so happy you posted the definition of what a logline is - I was getting confused because I thought it was only one line and others used more than one). I think the 5th version is pretty close to perfect.ReplyDelete
Thanks Meg, though I think a 'synopsis' or 'one sentence hook' are different to loglines.ReplyDelete
Thanks Margay and thanks for joining :O)
I really liked reading how this has evolved, and #5 is very tight. Only problem? You've lost the consequences--what's at stake? Well, her marriage, right? I think that needs to be a bit more explicit, as it is in the other versions. My two cents :)ReplyDelete
Thanks Meadeth, yes I'm busy writing the short story now.:O)ReplyDelete
I don't think you need Tom's name, just refer to him as her husband. Also, the part about the child's mother recognizing him read awkwardly for me. I stumbled over that part.ReplyDelete
Definitely #5! Great job on revising your logline!ReplyDelete
I grabbed your loglineReplyDelete