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Monday, 5 September 2011

First Campaigner Challenge


Rach has set the first campaigner challenge prompt and rules :







Since I entered the following groups: Literary Fiction; YA; Romance and Chick Lit in the campaign and since I have written a number of romance pieces recently, I feel I should present this one as YA or Literary Fiction.

My Entry:

 

Oh Mother! by Madeleine Maddocks


The door swung open, letting in a shaft of light that crept across the floor, chasing away the darkness like a seeping dye.

“Time to get up!” the female voice snapped.

I replied in deep, throaty groans.

The sunshine continued on its journey across the bedroom floor, brightening up the pages of my dull physics homework and the crumpled heap of discarded socks and boxers that added to the rancid odour in the room.

Lying in the cosy warmth of the bed, I awaited the avalanche of grief from my mother for not opening a window to let the fresh air in and the smell of me out; for not putting my laundry in the appropriate basket; tidying up or getting up at a reasonable hour.

Then, as the sunshine crept over my bed, picking out my shape beneath the duvet cover, I suddenly shrank.

My eyes snapped open as the cold dawning horror that I was not at home, but staying with relatives, shook me awake. My gaze travelled up the fit, cute body of my cousin. Reaching Janice's face I noted her deep hazel eyes sparkling with hilarity, as she watched me squirm, before the door swung shut.

(200 words)

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59 comments:

  1. Hi Madeleine - love the chops and changes .. and oh so true .. good first campaigner challenge .. cheers Hilary

    Good word verification .. for anyone: zygiast!

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  2. Oh cool! There's a lot of potential in this. Definitely I want to read more!

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  3. You captured my son's bedroom to the perfectly! And also his mother’s reaction. How funny, I smiled all the way through this.

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  4. Ohhh...I don't know if he's been naughty or if he's the victim of a cruel cousin's hoax! Nice. ~ Nadja

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  5. Didn't I leave a comment? I was sure I had.

    Really liked this. Cool twist at the end!

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  6. Poor kid! Growing up is tough sometimes. Nice take on the challenge.

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  7. Oooh nice - lovely descriptive atmospheric story!! I like the surprise in the end! Take care
    x

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  8. Wow, he sure made the guest room messy/filthy in the time he stayed there...

    I'd say that ending was pretty creepy :p

    Good job!

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  9. hold on there!
    that was excellent. funny and unexpected =)

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  10. Wonderful detail. I know that feeling of thinking you're at home and then waking a little more to realize you're not.

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  11. You captured the hovering mother beautifully. It reminds me of weekend morning when I was younger. I think you did a great job setting up the character and his routine. Then, you surprised me when the character realizes he's not at home. I'm hooked and want to hear more about what happens with Janice and this new setting for the character. Thanks for sharing!

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  12. I am guessing this means the mother has passed away? Really good!

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  13. Excellent take on the first challenge! You definitely hooked me :)

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  14. lovely descriptive words you use.... "creeping dye". I loved it.

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  15. Love this. Definitely captured me. Great job.

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  16. Hi,

    Wicked! Ha ha, great scene setting and it gets worse, though maybe about to get better in a short while. Ooh, a girl in his room! ;)

    best
    F

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  17. So true! I can just see the bedroom. I'd love to see the rest of the story. (Fellow campaigner here!)

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  18. LOL, love the twist! Great job :)

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  19. Very interesting, leaving you wondering about her mother. I really liked it. Good luck in the challenge.

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  20. Great details and imagery. I was there all the way and enjoyed that quirky twist at the end.

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  21. Really nice work Madeleine! I'm curious what happens next and why he's at his rellies'. I love the description of a teenage boy's room - reminds me of my brother. LOL.

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  22. What a sticky situation when seen as a lazy bone in someone's room and being observed. Excellent write!

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  23. This is really great, and, it sounds like my sons room too. :) I like how he came to realize he wasn't in his room. :)

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  24. Madeleine - Nice job! Love the ending.

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  25. Wow, sounds like me when I was younger, except for the hygienically challenged part o_O

    The cousin part freaked me out just a little bit. Was there more going on there...??

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  26. Oooo I hate not knowing where I am when I first wake up. Nice job!

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  27. Great details, the picture you painted was beautifully detailed.
    -Aaron

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  28. Brings back memories of my son's teen years. Well done. I'm loving all the different takes on this. Mine is #72

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  29. I recognized that room! Good job:)

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  30. Just like my older brother's bedroom when he was younger! Loved this piece of writing.

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  31. Hah, I loved this. I felt like I was in the room, and the twist at the end was awesome.

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  32. As usual you have hooked me completely, Madeleine. Loved the post.

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  33. great take on this. Loved your descriptions

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  34. Not entirely sure about a child's mind using 'seeping dye' it distracted me, but besides that I enjoyed this scene.

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  35. This has got to be close to a teenage boy's worst nightmare :-)

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  36. OOO good one. This was a fun challenge. I love seeing how creative everyone can be. Good luck from a fellow campaigner :)

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  37. Great description, and I love that we think it's mom, and then he's embarrassed to realize it's his cute cousin!

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  38. I love the twist at the end! Though I do have to wonder why he isn't at home in his usual room.

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  39. Whoops! How embarrassing is that?

    Great entry, Madeleine! :)

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  40. I think you have something really good here. Waking up with relatives can be absolutely frightening.

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  41. Ha ha! Oh, poor boy. :)Thanks for sharing, this made me smile!

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  42. I really enjoyed this - typical teenage behaviour (I have an 18 year old son) - and I love the twist at the end.

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  43. I loved the twist at the end.
    This entry makes me want to use it as the start of a pop urban fantasy novel.
    It seems to fit perfect in what I'm thinknig of it.

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  44. MPax said: I seem to be having trouble posting comments ... the latest blogger glitch I suppose ...

    Anyway, I enjoyed your story. Loved the interweaving of light traveling with the door opening and closing. Thanks for sharing the story. :)
    www.mpaxauthor.com
    mpaxauthor.blogspot.com

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  45. Thanks for your lovely comments everyone. I'm glad the room and the characters came to life for most of you. :O)

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  46. This made me smile. Great work, Madeleine.

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  47. I love the twist at the end too. Would love to know what the cousin has planned.

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  48. fellow campaigner dropping in for a nice treat - good start to campaign liked it

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  49. Wow, now that's a surprise ending! Great job, fellow campaigner!

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  50. I've often found myself a bit disoriented when waking up in a different place, albiet not quite to this extent. ;-)

    I really enjoyed it.

    I catching-up and visiting my group (I'm in your Chick Lit group). I look forward to connecting!

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  51. Poor boy! Lol! Would definitely read on to see what his cousin is up to, she seems mischievious. ;)

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  52. Ah, the ambiance that is a boy's bedroom! You've really captured the vibe here!

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  53. Detailed and believable, with a funny twist at the end. I felt sorry for him: thinking he was at home and then realising it wasn't his mother he was impressing first thing that morning.

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  54. I loved "as the sunshine crept over my bed, picking out my shape beneath the duvet cover". Great job! :D

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