Hmph...I already don't like Ginny. Caroline is much nicer :)
Hi Madeleine .. I agree with Sarah .. a troubled time ahead - I don't like Ginny either .. poor Bernard, especially if his memory has been lost - what's true and what's not true .. very challenging and disturbing .. Thanks .. looks very interesting .. Hilary
Bernard!! Run!!! Get away from Ginny - she sounds vampiric! Eeeek!Fab excerpt - loved it!! Yay! Take carex
Oh no! Poor Bernard! You've captured so much in such a short piece - a warm friendship and understanding as well as the horror of Ginny. I really want to read on and know how his memory comes back....if indeed it does!Great piece, Madeleine.
I am intrigued, and I don't know whether to feel sorry for Bernard or not. Is Caroline 'the other women' perhaps? Is she the true love of his life?So many intricate layers to this! Loved it.
Interesting exert. When can we read the rest? Great tale.
I have read about amnesia and I think you captured it well. I agree with everyone else. One woman is sincere the other is not and we know that in just a short snippet. As far as critique goes, there are a few times you use repeated words, like flutter and a few lines that could be tightened. Overall, well done.NancyN. R. Williams, The Treasures of Carmelidrium
I really liked the way this ended, but the first paragraph is a bit awkward and confusing. "Newly reacquainted Caroline" doesn't quite flow, and the foreshadowing of the wife business with an internal thought. You could lose that line, just go from "in his returned wallet" to "He'd really believed" and let the reader worry about who she might be, to heighten the tension.Also - and I LOVE commas, you'd think I got paid a commission every time I (mis)used one, but "this is your wife, Ginny" implies he's got, perhaps a wife, Michelle or other wives out there. (And maybe he does, I don't know, lol!)I'd cut "flutter in his heart," and just follow flicker of kinship with "his heart felt dead."The very last line - we're coming from inside Bernard's POV, and WE are not conscious of how an outsider might describe our facial expressions. A fix would be along the lines of, Bernard felt horrified at the prospect,blah blah, and tried to signal her with his eyes, begging her not to abandon him,Love the interaction among the three of them, the fruity stick lipstick makes ME gag and want to wipe it off.
Poor guy is caught between Ginny (I don't like her) and Caroline( who seems a better person).Good conflict. I liked the way you captured the guy's emotions and confusion.
Sounds interesting. Nothing like dropping in on a story and not sure what's going on, but I'd like to know more based on this excerpt.LeeTossing It Out
Hi,Oh my, a lot more complex this scene methinks than this excerpt implies! I'm thinking Caroline is the evil one, that Ginny's asserting her territory and her right to be there: that Caroline is the other woman, or rather, wannabe other. I'm guessing Bernard's amnesia is being played/manipulated by Caroline, therefore affinity has been set in motion. It's a wild guess, but I'm betting Ginny is the real love of his life. She seems less complicated, daunting maybe, and knows her enemy when she sees it: maybe Bernard's enemy too, as in bunny-boiler! ;)Love it. Lot's of intrigue, lots of roads to be taken. bestF
Hello Madeleine.This is indeed full of intrigue.I kind of like Ginny...claiming her man...yes...the sticky lipstick...not so much (lol)I'm guessing Caroline is/was the other woman. Then again, maybe Caroline was the first wife and Ginny is the new wife?Hmm..like Francine said...lots of roads to be taken.
Yeah, it's hard to present an excerpt as a stand-alone, but this works well. I'm voting for Ginny being the potential problem, as I strongly believe that, memory or not, we can sense when someone poses a threat of some sort. (Although we often push those gut instincts aside.)
Hi Madeleine. I hope your health is much improved, but I know we're never going to get enough time.I love this bad girl Ginny. You're painted her picture pretty convincingly. Seeing as we are 'sposed to be doing a little critiquing, I'd just say you're doing a little too much of what I call 'editorialising' - something I got belted for when I first started submitting to CPs - too many dialogue tags with added extras - 'Ginny intoned, slow and deliberate(ly), failing to shake the proffered hand.' A lot of telling, now showing. You do that a lot in this excerpt. It would be tighter if you lost those 'telling' phrases and let the reader use his/her imagination. IMHO only!!Denise<3
And in that I had two typos - 'you're' instead of 'you've' and 'now showing' instead of 'not showing.' Ha ha. How easy it is!D
Aww, the poor guy! I can't wait to see how Caroline gets the better of Ginny :-)
Thanks for all your comments and suggestions, I confess I added 'Newly reacquainted Caroline' because I cut out the first part of the scene, which did not fit the word count but needeed you to know the situation. This piece is a very first draft so commas and 'telling' etc no-no's would hopefully be readdressed in a later edit. :O)
Ooh, this is good. I do not like Ginny. Although the mind cannot remember I believe the heart can. And I think Bernard's heart is leading him the right way. Ginny is an imposter!Great story! Want to read more.
Ooooh. I haven't yet read your other excerpts, but this has me wanting to read more!<3 Gina Blechman
I NEED to read this book! great excerpt and I hope you're doing wellLaura xxx
Love the excerpt, thanks for sharing!
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