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Friday, 20 May 2011

Lost ~ Romantic Friday

http://fridaynightwriters.blogspot.com/

My entry, a YA piece with teenage protagonist:
My heart sank down into the depths of my body when I saw Aiden coming towards me. His eyes were shining with a scary eagerness as he crushed into the chair beside me. His thick winter fleece and black wool hat made him look more like a hiker than a student.
“Hi Elise” he said, his deep voice filling the vast, virtually empty auditorium.
“Hi Aiden” I replied scanning the room for my friends and the gorgeous blonde-haired, blue eyed Jamie, who looked like an angel and read aloud in tutorials as if his voice were Heaven sent.
“Thought I was going to be late” Aiden boomed in my ear.
 “Looks like everyone else is late!” My nervous laugh sounded girlish and trilling.
Aiden grinned back. When my friends arrived they took one look at our ménage a deux and chose seats nearer the front to give us some privacy. With wide, frantic eyes I grimaced and beckoned to them that they should join me, but they seemed too engrossed in conversation.
“Look, Aiden. Do you mind if I join my friends, only I have some stuff I need to share with them.”
“Uh, no!” he replied his face momentarily blanched with disappointment.
I gathered up my things and bolted from the seat, sinking gratefully into the vacant chair beside Sally. She saw the relieved expression on my face and smiled sympathetically, turning around to gape once more at Aiden who shrank down into his jacket like a no-neck monster, studiously examining the white board. I shot Sally a warning glance. While I didn’t fancy Aiden I didn’t want to hurt him either. Then my attention was drawn to Jamie as he entered the room. He smiled in my direction making my heart flutter and sing. I smiled back with pure adoration shining in my eyes. Soon the auditorium had filled and Mr. Clarke’s lecture began: Chaucer’s Olde English
As class ended and everyone filed out I watched Jamie hurry through the door without looking my way. Disappointment clawed at my insides.
“Bye Elise” boomed Aiden beside me, as he hurried past.
My heart stretched with a strange horrified lurch. It was lovely being admired, but oh how I wished it was Jamie, instead. As Sally, Jenn and I filed out of the room I then remembered my gorgeous pink, woollen gloves.
“My gloves!” I shrieked and ran back into the room. Taking the steps two at a time I hurried up to where I had been sitting with Aiden.
“Lost something?” Patrick said as he stood, still packing his rucksack.
“Yes my pink wool gloves. Have you seen them”
“Yes Aide had them as he was leaving. Didn’t he give them to you?”
My cheeks flushed crimson. “Thanks” I said hastily, hurrying out to join my friends, my heart now hammering loudly in my ears. Aiden was no-where to be seen. An unsettled feeling lingered with me for the rest of the day.
Later that evening, at home when the doorbell rang, I answered. Aiden stood on the threshold brandishing my gloves.
“You forgot these” he beamed.
“Oh, thanks!” I laughed nervously, my mind screaming accusations at him and warnings to me.
“I have some magic to show you” he said taking out his phone and snapping my photo.
“That’s not magic!” I blurted, my face now several shades of red.
“It is to me” he said.
In my utter embarrassment I lost my manners and closed the door in his face; my insides squirming like chilli pepper snakes.  
© Madeleine Maddocks  May 2011


Oops sorry it's 590 words.

So who do you feel most sorry for?
Do you wince at the MC's immaturity or at the way Aiden behaved?

20 comments:

  1. I feel sorry for both of them - unrequited love is truly ghastly. I did wonder whether Aiden could be a creepy stalker, but maybe he's just gormless.....
    Good piece.

    (I think 'they arrived' may be the wrong way round in line 10)

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  2. Thanks Margo. 'Arrived' and 'they' duly amended. :O)

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  3. Who's Patrick?

    Aww poor Aiden!! I like him - he's persistent but in a sweet way!! Awwww! I like your mc's voice too - I could feel her confusion and dilemma! Take care
    x

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  4. Patrick's just another student.
    Glad you like my voice. I was worried the piece sounded hurried. :O)

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  5. This was well written with a lot of great adverb choices. I felt for the characters. It did hurt my eyes, even enlarged.
    Nancy
    N. R. Williams, The Treasures of Carmelidrium

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  6. A very touching story. I felt what she was feeling, poor thing, as I read it. Nicely written, and not the ending I expected.

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  7. Elise is the one I feel most sorry for. She is so self-focused as to be eternally empty. Aiden seems like a good soul that will survive being smitten with surface beauty.

    Great job in developing characters that resonate with realism and angst. Roland

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  8. Hi, Madeleine. I came over to thank you for congratulating me on my memoir's launch.

    Meanwhile, I browsed a bit here before I read your Friday story. I read The Shadow of the Man I Used to Be on the Alzheimer Society's page, your tribute to your father. I was so touched. We are still the person we always were, though sometimes with diseases that person does seem to disappear. But to show the love you feel for them I think is most important, which you did.

    Poor Elise. I'm sorry she let him go.
    Ann Best, Memoir Author

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  9. Hi,

    I hope Aiden gets over Elise damn quick: she isn't worth his time and effort, poor lad. Nice scene setting here, and Elise' angst merely displaying the shallow nature of the gal! ;)

    BTW: keep trying with the linky thing, it plays up sometimes. I've already added you to the back-up list lower down on sidebar.

    best
    F

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  10. Hi Madeleine. Great angst of the teenage variety. Conflictted couple. Yes, I'm with Roland. I feel Elise is more lost than Aiden.

    Sorry to hear you're having trouble with the linky. Grr.

    Denise<3

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  11. I feel for both of them, but more for Elise, who probably won't get the guy she's after and doesn't see the gem in front of her.

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  12. Hi Madeleine .. both - Aiden is besotted with Elise, while Elise is besotted with Jamie .. though Aiden seems the nicer .. but I guess they'll each work things out .. as we do at that age or realise later on where we went wrong!

    Cheers - Hilary

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  13. At first I felt sorry for Aiden, odd one out and all that, but when he turned up at Elise's house, I then thought stalker! (Sorry)

    I don't like Elise, she reminds me of a girl from youth who was too full of herself as well. I guess Jamie doesn't feel the same way about her.

    I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing.

    Here's my entry:

    http://mypoetcharm.blogspot.com/2011/01/incomplete-without-you.html

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  14. Thanks for all your comments and thoughts.
    Elise is gauche, yes and young. She's just 16 yrs old, though I didn't make that clear. Crushes are strange things they overtake you and are a part of growing up. Elise was right to let Aiden go as he wasn't her type, though she wishes she'd let him down more gently (in a less gauche way). Also Jamie wasn't her type, either and deep down she knows it. She's just a shy, mixed up kid. :O)

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  15. Elise...and I agree with Roland's comment about her being so self-focused she'll forever drift.

    I couldn't enlarge and had difficulty reading. However, it's soooo delicious I kept at it.

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  16. I have to say, equally sorry for both of them. Aiden is oviously smittem, but trying too hard. An easy enough trap to fall into. As for Elise, maybe she is self-absorbed and all, but it's a tough situation when you long for someone (who doesn't know you exist), while someone else you may not really care for is hanging around wanting attention. Love is grand when it all works out, but brutal when it doesn't. This is perfectly presented - you feel each character, and know exactly what they are going through.

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  17. Thanks Kittie,lovely of you to say so I have changed the way the piece is presented to avoid it being difficult to read.

    and Li and Andy. I guess the nature of teenage love is being rather self absorbed and confused and gauche. :O)

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  18. Hi,

    Just a little add-on: you've been tagged! See my blog. ;)

    best
    F

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  19. This was such a great story - I remember these dramas unfolding at school and you captured the whole thing perfectly
    Lxxx

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  20. Congratulations Madeleine for making Featured Writer. Three cheers!
    Nancy
    N. R. Williams, The Treasures of Carmelidrium

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